Fort Collins Hash House Harriers

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#96 February 2011

Posted on February 5, 2012 at 11:40 AM Comments comments (0)

Hares:

#95 29 January 2011

Posted on February 16, 2011 at 12:02 PM Comments comments (0)

Hares: Fillip*nis & Spank'n Granny

Hounds:

Hash Trash: Lay Me Over (with special contribution by Dick DeRailleur)

 

THE HOOTER HASH

(this is my version of the story and this is exactly what happened)

January's Fort Collins hash began with a pre-lube that was located at a hussy

waitress haven called Hooter's on I-25. The hares were Fillip*nis and Spanking

Granny. Keeps It Up pulled into the parking lot on his Harley. Tongue Hole

rode up from Denver in her kayak. She was wearing bright Play-Doh - colored

running tights. Spanking Granny pulled up in his spanking new 2011 black Subaru

Sanctuary, a veritable spa on wheels that features heated seats, satellite

radio, an herbal tea lounge,a tanning booth and a personal masseuse. When he

climbed out of the car he was wrapped in a Tahitian banana leaf wrap and he

wreaked of lavender body oil.

The male hashers in the bunch could not have been more thrilled that day with

their pre-lube location and behaved like a pack of drooling pups in heat. As a

half - n*ked busty waitress took their drink orders they would study her from

boob to boob and swoon.

"Oh we may be sitting down," Head Eunuch said to her, "But trust me, we are

giving you a standing ovation!"

"Meooowwww!" murmured Pays 4Busch.

"Yowsa!" shouted Dick With a B*tch with a Dick."

"Smokin!" squealed Back In 2AWA.

Tick Dick, a regular at Hooter's who knows each of the waitress's breasts by

name, insisted that every pre-lube from now on should begin at Hooter's.

As hashers sipped their beers, Fatal When Swallowed suddenly walked through the

doors wearing camouflage military pants. Because this was his first hash since

serving overseas for the last few months the whole gang stood up and applauded

him for a long moment.

Then Tongue Hole noticed the princess barrettes in Free Busch's hair and asked

if she could borrow one to fasten to her infamous leg hair.

The trail led hashers across open fields near where the greyhound racing track

used to be. Several flight for life helicopters took off from the nearby heart

center called "Slots O' Hearts" but hashers kept having to reassure Keeps It Up

that the helicopters were not coming for him.

As usual, SnowJob's racing spirit emerged.

"Ok keep the front runners in you sight," SnowJob coached Lay Me Over. "I'm a

little worried about Back In 2AWA and P*ssy Dominatrix. They seem like real

contenders today so don't let them get too far ahead. Just pick off one hasher

at a time, maintain your focus, monitor your energy reservoir and watch your

footing! The surface is a little cuppy today. Then take the leaders when they

least expect it. You can win this thing. Bring it home!"

There was a beer check in a windy field then later hashers approached a

turkey/eagle split that divided them into two groups, those that had an

unwavering desire to challenge themselves and find sweet reward in their pursuit

of athletic excellence........... and those that were wusses.

The only ones to make the break for the eagle trail were Back In 2AWA, P*ssy

Dominatrix and Lay Me Over. The rest of the apathetic bunch either chose the

turkey trail which quickly led to a second beer check or they attempted the

eagle trail but quickly realized they lacked aspiration so they gave up and

shortcutted to the second beer check.

At the beer check which was located in a windy parking lot, Yeast Infection

decided to sprawl out on the pavement then Tongue Hole grabbed a piece of chalk

and drew an outline around her body. When they finished, the men in the group

gazed at the curvaceous chalk drawing and hyperventilated.

"Yeast does have a nice figure doesn't she?" crooned PileOn.

"Wow!" exclaimed Dick DeRailleur. "That's one sexy chalk figure!"

"Smokin'!" yelped Pays 4Busch.

Yeast beamed.

"Hey Filip*nis, what's that in your pocket?" asked Free Busch.

"Must be the same thing that's in PileOn's pocket," observed Comes For Big Ones.

"Hey guys," said PileOn. "Can you leave me alone for awhile? I would like to

spend a little quality time with this Yeast figure if you know what I mean."

Then he laid down next to the chalk figure and tried to spoon it.

Finally the group headed to the on - after located at a hole - in - the - wall

bar called Hole In The Wall. By the time 2AWA, P*ssy and LMO reached the 2nd

beer check everyone else had already gone. They stared in disbelief at their

desolate surroundings. The wind howled around them and a couple of tumble weeds

blew by as the eerie theme music to 'The Good, the Bad and the Ugly' played in

the background.

As 2AWA knelt down beside Yeast's drawing and gently caressed it, LMO muttered,

"Those good for nothing stinking lazy trolls," ranted LMO. "They all left!

LEFT!! Could any of them have waited for us? NO!! They all had to leave!

Could they have left a beer for us? NO!!"

"This is such a buzz kill," muttered P*ssy.

The three of them searched in vain for the flour mark that would lead them out

of there. P*ssy ultimately began to hallucinate and every time she saw movement

in the the distance she'd yell, "Is that a hasher? How about that?" But alas,

it was only a dog, a bird or the sun setting in the horizon.

Finally they found trail again though 2AWA was highly reluctant to leave the

Yeast outline. Once they walked through the doors of the on - after bar, Circle

had already begun.

"LMO," said SnowJob with disappointment etched across his face. "I don't think

you won today. You weren't even close."

Yeast led Circle for the first time but only four minutes later, Pays 4Busch and

Free Busch dashed out. Then Eunuch kept looking at his watch and at one point

grabbed his shag bag and said to nobody, "I' should go. I've got to work on

Monday."

Dick DeRailleur had to drink for suggesting that the hares didn't have enough

falses upon checks upon falses.

Tongue Hole drank for having private conversations with herself.

Hash announcements were uninformative, made up of TBA's. Then everyone headed

back to Hooter's for the on - on -after. Those that rode in Granny's Subaru

spa fell into a blissful trance so by the time Granny reached Hooter's he had to

poke them with a cattle prod to get them out of his car.

A few hashers went back inside Hooter's to dine on greasy chicken wings and

Lots' A Tots. Eunuch ate his wings by himself at the bar and SnowJob talked

about his two - car garage. Feeling hot, Tongue Hole tried to put her long

armpit hair into a bun, Keeps It Up tried to pay for everyone's food and beer

before they would notice and Fillip*nis hissed like a cat.

A good time was had by all.

Lay Me Over (with special contribution by Dick DeRailleur)

#94 18 December 2010

Posted on February 16, 2011 at 12:00 PM Comments comments (0)

Hares:  Free Busch & PileOn

Hounds:

Hash Trash: Lay Me Over

 

THE ROLL BACK HASH

(this is my version of the story and this is exactly what happened)

It was a very basic December hash. PileOn and Free Busch were the hares. The

beginning and end were located at the same very basic bar in a very basic town;

Bruce's in Severance. There were two beer checks, a couple falses and a couple

checks. There was a basic On-In and a basic Circle then everyone was back home

by 6pm. It was the kind of hash that really only needs a paragraph or two to

describe...one would think. But there are actually a few more details worth

mentioning...a lot more.

Hashers only needed to look at Yeast Infection's boobs partially hidden under a

top she kept unzipped for the entire afternoon, to know that it was cold that

day!

"Nice necklace," PileOn said while gazing at her cleavage even though Yeast

wasn't wearing a necklace that day.

Also in attendance were Pays4Busch, Dick With A B*tch with a Dick, Lay Me Over

, Tick Dick, Rin Tin T*ts who finally made it from Longmont and Fillip*nis who

brought Just Terry from Montrose.

PileOn looked exhausted from his heavy partying the night before but DWAB

decided that cancer of the balls was the reason for him appearing less than

perky.

"Hey I know, why don't you write that PileOn has cancer of the balls?" DWAB said

to LMO.

"But why? He doesn't have cancer of the balls. You're asking me to write about

something that's totally not true, spread vicious rumors about him while giving

myself a reputation for embellishing which is so out of character for me. And

for what?"

"Because," replied DWAB, "It will be absolutely hysterical!"

"Whatever!" snapped LMO using sign language.

"Loser!" responded DWAB using more sign language.

"What kind of cancer can I have?" asked Rin Tin T*ts. "How about cancer of the

eyebrows?"

Then Tick Dick walked in and he and DWAB embraced for a long moment, having

formed a very close bond some time in the past six months unbeknownst to anyone.

They finished each other's sentences, stared adoringly into each other's eyes,

and joked about the hash they're haring together in April called "Beyond the

Basics."

"Cackle! Cackle! Cackle!" they laughed with tears coming out of their eyes.

Hashers later noticed the large lustrous ring on Tick Dick's finger that DWAB

had given him. It was an exact replica of Princess Diana's engagement ring.

The trail led the frozen hashers past an assortment of barking dogs who pulled

frantically at their chains, down a narrow canal filled with corn husks that

crunched under their feet, and past a dead skunk at the side of the road. The

very basic trail was so void of challenge that the hashers began to doze off in

mid stride. Fortunately they woke up at the first beer check which featured a

bottle of liquor the color of Scope mouthwash. When Yeast took a sip she

realized it WAS Scope mouthwash.

After hashers left the first beer check, DWAB blew snot from his nose directly

onto Fillip*nis' head after which Fillip*nis hurled a spit wad back at him.

"You're such a *#$*#@ p*nis!" DWAB roared.

The second beer check featured bottles of dreadfully old eggnog and apple cider

wine.

At the On-In, the group posed for a photo in front of one of Bruce's scared

running bull signs (with PileOn showing his nak*d butt) and then Yeast emailed

the photo overseas to Fatal When Swallowed for his birthday.

Circle was held outside and when hashers sang a song about a left t*t hanging

down to the knee, LMO took the words 'Roll Back' from an entirely different song

and added those to the end. Then she and DWAB inserted Roll Back somewhere in

every subsequent song after that.

Pays4Busch had to drink a down - down for wearing the prettiest running shoes

(a dazzling Christmas green), DWAB drank for being the only one to wear shorts,

PileOn drank for wearing a Santa hat, Rin Tin T*ts drank for being a polite wall

flower.

Yeast and Just Terry were encouraged to reveal their n*ked breasts to which Just

Terry responded, "I'll show my boobs if I get a name today."

The men whooped and hollered at that and Fillip*nis came up with "Comes for Big

Ones" since she usually only attends the bigger hashes. So cold were the

hashers by this time that they put zero effort into thinking up any other

options and it was Rin Tin who immediately said, "Ok I say we vote already,"

and so that became her name. Circle came to a close with PileOn's sad

announcement of his retirement as Circle Master. He could not have had a

happier, more relieved expression on his face had he been President Bush leaving

the White House.

His endearing Circle insanity however will be missed!

Inside Bruce's, Tick Dick dined on shriveled Rocky Mountain oysters while

Pays4Busch ardently exclaimed, "I can't wait to run the Circle next month. I'm

going to bring my baseball bat, my vise and my hammer and carry them around with

me, you know like in the movie Casino? And if anyone can't remember the lyrics

to a song, I will take my bat and beat their heads to a pulp with it then bury

them alive! None of this 'Dumb A** Roll Back' that LMO and DWAB sing or

'Heineken Roll Back!' or 'Doe, the stuff that I roll back my beer with!'

For anyone who talks out of line I will crush their heads in a vise until their

eyes bulge out. And for anyone who dares to question my leadership, I'll stab

them in the neck with a pen!

And we're going to get some new clothes! If somebody (whose name I won't

mention but it rhymes with Shred Shrunuch) doesn't order new clothes so that

we're not stuck wearing the same tired old hash garb year after year, then I

will smash his frostbitten hands with a hammer! All hashers will be required to

wear at least 20 pieces of flare at a time! This will be a gangster Circle to

remember!"

Fillip*nis gasped excitedly and said, "Wow, I can't wait! Sounds great!"

"Yeah no kidding," said Tick Dick. "I'll be there!"

"But I like my tired old hash garb," said PileOn as he brushed the dust and moth

larvae off of his tattered green hooded sweatshirt.

When Pays4Busch finished his tirade he reached over towards Free Busch and stuck

the tip of his sweatshirt drawstring into her ear canal.

"How cute is that,?" hashers exclaimed. "How did you two meet? What was your

first date?"

"We never dated," Free Busch snapped. "Are you kidding? Didn't have time. We

met at a football game and then four hours later I bought my wedding dress and

asked him if he was going to propose or what?"

Then Pays4Busch replied, "So that's when I kneeled down in a three - legged

stance and proposed to her."

Rin Tin T*ts smiled and reached his finger up to his face to smooth his

cancerous brow.

Eventually the ailing PileOn stood up and walked out the door during which one

of his sickly balls dropped off and rolled across the wooden floor.

"God that's funny!" howled DWAB. "Roll back! Roll back! Cackle! Cackle!

Cackle!"

A good time was had by all.

Lay Me Over

#93 27 November 2010

Posted on February 16, 2011 at 12:00 PM Comments comments (0)

Hares:

 

Hounds:

 

No Hash Trash for this Hash

#92 30 October 2010

Posted on February 16, 2011 at 11:59 AM Comments comments (0)

Hares: Spank'n Granny and Butt Mustard

Hounds: ??

 

No Hash Trash for this Hash

#91 25 September 2010

Posted on February 16, 2011 at 11:52 AM Comments comments (0)

Hares: Dick DeRailleur & P*ssy Dominatrix

Hounds: 12

Hash Trash: Lay Me Over

 

A REALLY BAD JOKE  (this is my version of the story and this is exactly what happened)

 

Saturday's Ft. Collins hash was hosted by Dick DeRailleur and P*ssy Dominatrix. It began in the ghetto at Pobre Panchos on north College. Twelve hashers showed up including Sp*rm Crawler who was visiting from Michigan and now talks like a Michigander using words like, "Geez - O - Pete," "How' Zit Goin," "Wherebouts," and "Kripes Almighty." Facial and I Blow showed up from Boulder wearing gorilla feet. While Free Busch chose not to run trail because of her over -achieving run that morning, PileOn chose to run despite having over - achieved at a dueling piano bar the night before. In fact he was still singing 'I Will Survive" at the top of his lungs while he was pulling into the parking lot. Pays4Busch was there as well as Spanking Granny, Yeast Infection, Strip Me, PileOn, Head Eunuch, Lay Me Over and a v*rgin named Just Darin.

 

The hares were nothing if not innovative (and maybe a little high on crack). The two false trails that were positioned at opposite corners at the very beginning were so long that by the time hashers finally came to the end of them they had to hitchhike back to the beginning. Then there were more falses after falses, checks after checks, falses after checks, checks after falses. And just to mix it up a little, the hares threw in a couple of true trail dollops just to confuse the hashers and get them to branch out a little from the circles they were running in.

 

One of the two true trails led hashers through a creepy trailer park inhabited largely by families of gang members or Mexican immigrants who kept their yards cluttered with velvet Elvis paintings , cars on blocks, and empty PBR cans. There were patrol cars circling the area and loose dogs running all over the place in desperate search for their owners who were either still in jail or bedridden with bullet wounds. This trail then led west through a natural area to a beer check and then the second true trail led through Lee Martinez Park to a Jell-O shot check that was located in the alley in back of Just Darin's house unbeknownst to him.

 

Unfortunately, Just Darin and Eunuch were too fast for P*ssy who had not yet finished laying that part of the trail when they caught up to her so they missed out entirely on the Jell-O shot check where Just Darin's wife Beth was waiting to greet her husband and his new friends.

 

Because all hashers had learned from childhood how to adapt in the face of adversity, and because they enjoyed running in new and exciting directions on a warm sunny day with their friends, because they knew there would be beer at the end, and knew there was nothing too upsetting on that splendid day that should cause them to fall into a demonic, cursing Exorcist head - spin, they were able to remain dignified, calm and amiable even all the way up to the 32nd check. In turn, this respectable behavior created an atmosphere both positive and pleasant for everyone involved. It was almost as if they were hashing on Sesame Street (only without the warm fuzzy characters, the syrupy songs or Katy Perry appearing as a guest star wearing a skanky wardrobe).

 

When they spoke to one another, their words were soft and sweet:

"R U?"

"Jesus!"

"Nothing here."

"Again?!"

"Who the $#^&8! ** do they think they are?!"

"God almighty!"

"Anything?"

"Are you kidding me?!"

"Where the Hell do you think we should go now?"

"This is just great!"

"Jesus!"

"Anything?"

"Kripes Almighty!"

"What time is it?"

"Son of a......"

"Mother......!"

"Go back!"

"&*%#!"

"R U?"

"I'm going back to my car."

 

The trail ultimately checked and falsed its way to the end which was located in Dick and P*ssy's back yard. The on - after featured a large assortment of chips, dips, exotic ales, a fire burning in a chiminea, a fountain flowing with beer, and a dog that played dead.

 

Facial and I Blow farted continuously while PileOn (still hung over from the piano bar) loudly sang 'Sweet Home Alabama'. LMO showed off the horrific bruises on her leg. She told Crawler she sustained them in a mountain bike wreck but she told Pays 4Busch she got them from a train wreck, told Eunuch she experienced bad turbulence on a flight, but she told P*ssy that she was in a bar fight. Little did anyone know that the real place she got her wounds was at a novelty store. She simply peeled them off when she got home later that evening then layed out the snake bite stickers she planned to wear for the next hash.

 

Pays 4Busch drank from a bottle of cough syrup even though Strip Me was the one with the cough and soon his beautiful wooden beer mug was stolen.

Then the dog dropped to the ground and played dead.

"You know what they say about dead dogs?" said Pays 4Busch. "Never pet them."

"No, that's burning dog!" hollered Strip Me. "Never pet a burning dog!"

"Oh. Well you shouldn't pet a dead one either."

"When is the last time you saw a burning dog anyway?" asked Free Bush. "And why would one be burning?"

"Do you always have to be so logical?" said Pays 4Busch.

"Hey are we really having this conversation?" asked Free Busch.

"No," said PileOn. "I have a feeling this part is being made up."

"You're not even in this conversation!"

"Oh," said PileOn. Then, still hung over from the piano bar, he began singing 'Piano Man.'

Sp*rm Crawler told about his adventures in alligator and spider - infested swamps in Savannah.

"Geez - O - Pete!" He said. "The water was up to my arm pits and the spiders were as big as my hand!"

Then Facial's butt said, "Blrrruupp!" And everyone tried to get far away from her while Eunuch then said, "Dear God, make me into a bird so I can fly fa, fa away." Then he added, "This yard is the best yard for an on - after," said Eunuch. "Let's do a camp out!"

"Does this dog know how to fetch me a beer?" asked Crawler.

The dog heard him and quickly dropped to the ground to play dead.

Because everyone was having such a good time, Circle was delayed until 8pm. Just Darin's wife Beth then arrived at the on - after and then Circle began.

During Circle, everyone was required to come up with their best bad joke. Prizes were given to the top three best worst jokes including a tiny bottle of whiskey and Eunuch's pee - soaked shorts (which later ended up burning in the fire).

The winning jokes included LMO's joke about the woman who took her sick dog to the vet.

"It looks like your dog is suffering from Tom Jones Disease," the vet said.

"Is that common in dogs?" asked the woman.

"Well, it's not unusual."

Facial's joke which tied with LMO's was, "What do you call a fish with no eyes?"

"Fsh."

Just Beth had the best worst joke: "Where does the general keep his armies?"

"Up his sleevies."

As neighbors peered over the fence at the boisterous and laughing crowd and the dog dropped to the ground again to play dead, Darin drank down - downs for being a v*rgin, for pointing with his finger, for calling people by their real names and for having shaved legs. Later he confessed that he was getting pretty buzzed while P*ssy laughed until she cried during the Jesus song, Strip Me coughed until she puked and Facial farted until she sharted. Facial then passed around a tray of Jell - O shots that were garnished with Cheetos and broccoli. Anyone who was wearing glasses or contact lenses had to drink as well as those who were not wearing any underwear.

 

"Phllllllzzzzzp!" said Facial's butt as everyone groaned and held their noses.

"We're camping out!" yelled Eunuch.

"R.E.S.P.E.C.T!" PileOn sang loudly.

When Circle finally ended at 9pm, Dick and P*ssy kicked everyone out of the yard. There would be no camp out that night.

Once everyone left, Dick turned to P*ssy and said, "Well, we did it!"

"It all went perfectly as planned," said P*ssy. "The joke was on them!"

"Did you see the expressions on their faces by the time they got to the first beer check? Priceless!"

"First beer check? How about the second one?! I thought their heads were going to explode!"

"Ha ha ha ha! RULES?! WHAT RULES?! This hash wasn't ever gonna have no rules!"

"That will teach them not to encourage everyone to become a hare! Now maybe they'll leave us alone!"

"Do you think any of them suspected it was all a hoax?"

"Are you kidding? Not a one!"

"Did you like how I feigned total surprise and sorrow when they yucked about the sucky trail?"

"Great acting honey! Hey what are you going to wear to the Oscars?"

"Ha ha ha ha!"

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

 

P*ssy then hollered at the dog, "Griffin! They're gone. You can get up now. The game is over."

 

The dog gladly picked itself up off the ground from its dead position and bounded over to them and the two then turned and walked cheerfully hand in hand inside their house.

A good time was had by Dick and P*ssy.

 

Lay Me Over

#90 28 August 2010

Posted on August 29, 2010 at 4:12 PM Comments comments (0)

Hares: Alter Boy & Father Stash McNasty

Hounds: 17

 

#89 31 July 2010

Posted on August 29, 2010 at 4:08 PM Comments comments (0)

Hares: Free Busch & Pays for Busch

Hounds: 19

Hash Trash: Lay Me Over

 

BREWERIES, BARS AND BIKES

 

Nineteen hashers showed up at Spring Park on Saturday for the Ft. Collins Breweries, Bars and Bikes Hash that was hared by Free Busch and Pays 4Busch. Some hashers didn't take the biking part very seriously and wore Tevas on their feet or neglected to bring helmets or locks. SnowJob at least managed to bring a lock but he left the key to the lock at home. Just Sara doesn't own a lock because she figures if someone steals her bike she has seven more at home. Fatal When Swallowed brought along a bag of kitty litter in case he needed to make a quick pit stop on trail where there were no bathrooms nearby. Butt Mustard showed up wearing a tool belt. He looked at his watch and said, "Let's make this a quick hash. I have to get home to finish rebuilding my house."

 

Other hashers adopted a more professional approach by actually training or at least doping for the event several days in advance, wearing race jerseys and clipless pedals or bringing along their own pit crews.

 

Just Wayne (who was recently renamed Oozing Head) brought a bike that had more suspension than the Golden Gate Bridge. Gang Banger and Ribbed For Her Pleasure flew here all the way from Guam just for this event since riding bicycles in Guam is a nearly impossible feat given that the island is overpopulated with Brown Tree Snakes that slither all over the roads.

 

Fowl Rider and Back In 2AWA brought along both of their young boys who are already bike racers and Dylan even wore the medal he won in a bike race the other week.

Spanking Granny wore a yellow jersey that was so bright it caused retina damage to those who looked at him while not wearing sunglasses. The steroids he was on made him so dehydrated that day that cactus needles were poking out of his skin. Stick Me and Roaming Puma drove up from Cheyenne and Just Mary showed up for her second hash.

 

 

For the first beer check hashers were given the option of following trail or looking at a photo of the interior of a bar that would give them a clue where to go. Most of the hashers figured out that the photo was taken at Island Grill when they turned the photo over and saw words that said, "Island Grill." The rest of the bunch who did not have enough of a half mind to solve the puzzle, followed trail west to the railroad tracks then south to Drake and east to Lemay.

 

At Island Grill a bartender said to Spanking Granny while shielding his eyes, "Sir? Can you please turn your bright yellow shirt down a notch? You're blinding our customers."

For the second beer check hashers were shown another photo of the interior of a bar and Just Sara recognized the logo from Ft. Collins Brewery. But instead of trying to follow the trail that might lead down picturesque bike paths and along rivers and lakes, Can't Say No and Head Eunuch who have a real flare for finding scenic routes, took control and led the pack straight down Lemay, one of the busiest and polluted streets in the entire city. As hashers inhaled exhaust fumes and got smacked in the elbows by side view mirrors brushing past them, Lay Me Over belligerently said to Eunuch, "Do you think there could have been a better way to go?!!"

J

ust then Snow Job hollered at Eunuch and LMO, "STOP!" Luckily they did for just ahead, three motorists had run a red light at the intersection of Mulberry and Lemay and made a left turn directly in front of them, completely oblivious. While Eunuch recovered quickly enough to flip them off and holler a few words of endearment, LMO was busy watching her life flash before her in which she saw herself picking cotton on a Charleston plantation while wearing chains around her ankles. "Wait a minute!" she yelled. "That's not my life! Someone else's life is flashing before me!"

In his delirious state, Spanking Granny realized only two blocks from the brewery that he left his shag bag at Island Grill so he had to ride back and get it. By this time his dehydrated condition had deteriorated so much that desert sand was spilling out of several of his orifices.

 

While most of the hashers showed up at Fort Collins Brewery reasonably intact, Fatal Attraction showed up stuck in the grill of a car. Fortunately for him, the car was going to the same place he was. As SMILF excitedly talked about how she couldn't wait to get back to her teaching job this Fall, her face lit up like the new Dallas Cowboys Stadium on a Monday night.

 

"Miss?" said the Ft. Collins Brewery bartender to SMILF. "Can you please turn your face down a notch? You're blinding our customers."

"I better change the subject then," SMILF twinkled.

Eunuch then grumbled, "Who else lights up like that when they're talking about their dumb a** job?!! Where I work I don't get paid enough to light up!"

Just then, Yeast Infection strode in with her free New Belgian bicycle. She explained that she just got off work and as she mentioned her work and how the management there had given her so much support for this bike hash by helping her fix her flat tire, bringing in a sports psychologist to help prep her for both the ride and the multiple brewery stops, and giving her a rousing send-off pep rally that featured balloons, a five - piece jazz band and a generous raise, her face naturally lit up like the new Dallas Cowboys Stadium on a Monday night.

Eunuch groaned again, "I think I'm going to be sick. I hate it when other people like their jobs!"

"Job?" Pays 4Busch asked with a puzzled expression on his face.

 

Butt Mustard looked at his watch again, waved his hammer in circles above his head and impatiently said, "Can we get a move on? I have work to do on my house!"

After the second beer check, hashers were given the option of going directly to the third beer stop at the new brewery in Old Town or for extra credit they could stop off at O'Dells Brewery. Most opted for the extra credit. Soon after, both Just Sara and SnowJob sped home claiming they had other friends to attend to.

 

The on-after was located at the new Sports Exchange on Linden Street. On the way there Butt Mustard approached a lone bum who was standing on the sidewalk begging for money. Mustard decided to buy him a piece of pizza. As he handed the pizza to the bum he said, "Here you go Pays 4Busch."

"Hey man, thanks for the pizza," Pays 4Busch responded. "Can I have some money too?"

"Shut the f*ck up!" Mustard shouted. "And quit begging for money here! This is Eunuch's territory. Go find your own sidewalk!"

 

Inside Sports Exchange, hashers ordered drinks with prices that fluctuated based on the stock market. So when Fowl Rider was drinking a beer she bought for $2.30, Free Busch ordered the same beer 15 minutes later for $52.34.

"Damn I got screwed," she whined. "I knew we shouldn't have ended the hash here!"

 

Later the group ate hamburgers topped with quail eggs and PileOn gawked at the waitress who was wearing a short skirt and cowboy boots. Fortunately he regained his focus and led a smooth Circle that was plentiful with both pitchers of beer and accusations.

 

While Just Mary filmed everything, hashers drank down - downs for hanging helmets

on their butts, joining in private conversations on purpose, spitting out down -down beer that had ice cubes in it, going to the restroom during Circle, and wearing green. In addition to that they had to drink down - downs for a variety of dumb reasons as well. Yeast then flashed the crowd and Butt Mustard while clenching a wrench looked at his watch and said, "Let's wrap this up!"

A few hashers went on to Steak Out Saloon for the on-on-after. On the way there they spotted a lone bum standing on the sidewalk with a sign saying, "Will Drink Beer for Work."

"Go home Fatal!" the hashers shouted at him. "This is 2AWA's sidewalk!"

 

At Steak Out, LMO interviewed Gang Banger about an assortment of controversial topics (including the plight of the Brown Tree Snake from Guam) while Eunuch could be heard in the background grumbling, "What a buzz kill!"

#88 26 June 2010

Posted on August 29, 2010 at 4:07 PM Comments comments (0)

Hares: Pile On

Hounds: 7

 

No Hash Trash for this month.

#87 29 May 2010

Posted on August 29, 2010 at 3:53 PM Comments comments (4)

Hares: Butt Mustard & Spank'n Granny

Hounds: 13

Hash Trash: Lay Me Over

 

NEW HARES TREAT HASHERS TO WHAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN THE BEST HASH EVER

 

Saturday's Fort Collins May hash began at Washington's Bar and was hosted by Spank'n Granny and Butt Mustard. Though these hares are new to the Ft. Collins region, they were not timid when it came to buying pitchers of beer to ensure the hashers' well being. It was a drink fest at the get - go so by the time the hashers staggered out to the Chalk Talk, they were too delightfully dazed to ever be aware of any part of the trail that might have actually sucked.

 

The hares took such good care of the hashers that they even escorted them on the entire trail like some sort of gay tour guides. The hashers included SMIWTF who was visiting from North Carolina, Just Sarah, Altar Boy and Just Chris, Strip Me, Head Eunuch, Lay Me Over, PileOn, P*ssy Dominatrix, Dick With a B*tch With a Dick, Tick Dick (who wore a leg condom), Just Wayne and SnowJob.

The trail led north across the Poudre River then east through open land. Whenever the hashers veered off in the wrong direction, Granny would gently tell them where to go using a soothing, motherly tone of voice while Butt Mustard was a little more direct.

"How about opening your *&#%! eyes?!" he would bellow.

 

 

Then to ensure all runners were experiencing utmost comfort while they ran, the hares would periodically wipe the hashers' brows (or their butts depending on which needed more immediate attention).

 

The trail led north across the Poudre River then east through some open land.

"I hate PileOn," said DWAB after reaching the first beer check that was located in a natural area.

Then later he turned to LMO and said, "Shut the F*** up! I hate you! I've had it up to here with you!"

Then he and SnowJob compared stopwatches to determine how fast and how far they had run thus far.

When Head Eunuch arrived after taking a small detour which perplexed the new hares, he excitedly exclaimed, "I just saw a wolf!"

"A wolf?" Just Sarah dubiously asked. "Are you sure it was a wolf or was it a unicorn?"

"No it was definitely, positively, absolutely a wolf!" Eunuch replied.

Then he thought for a moment and said, "Actually now that I think about it, it could have been a giraffe because it had a really long neck. Or it might have been an alligator. It was definitely one of those three."

"Well it's a good think I have my leg condom on then, " said Tick Dick.

 

The trail then led south towards downtown and along the way P*ssy Dominatrix ran through a car wash to get soaped, rinsed, waxed, buffed and steam cleaned. When she came out she looked like a shiny new Maserati Gran Turismo. The second beer check was located at a bar in Old Town formerly known as Zydeco's but hashers had to run through a motorcycle festival full of 5000 gnarly leather clad, tattoo - covered bikers to get to it. Once inside, several of the hashers slipped on the pools of sweat that had collected at LMO's feet. Eunuch mocked her gushing pores then again mentioned the wolf that he swore he saw that might have been a giraffe or even an alligator. Then several hashers mocked Tick Dick's leg condom.

 

The guided trail then led hashers east of town to a bike path and west again back through town ending at Trail Head Saloon. But even with the tour guides holding almost everyone' s hand, Eunuch, Just Chris, Altar Boy and Just Wayne still managed to end up at the wrong bar (Washington's). Before Just Sarah went over there to summon them, they missed out on a veritable banquet at Trail Head that featured several platters of gourmet nachos, fancy fries, champagne and caviar. The hares then gave each hasher a pedicure and applied a refreshing cold loufa sponge to the small of their backs.

 

"This is probably the best hash ever," purred DWAB as he curled his newly polished toes then glanced at the bar tables to determine whether he could aptly perform another one of his n*ked moonings that might knock a pitcher of beer or two to the floor. Then he said to nobody in particular, "I hate SnowJob."

Circle lasted for two hours because the hares kept ordering more pitchers of beer and accusations were plentiful. The group became unruly however, not unlike a pack of wild dogs and PileOn struggled to maintain control, suffering many bites on his hands and his neck. At one point Circle became so raucous that a seal clap slipped out along with Altar Boy's driver's license from his pocket. Eunuch then grabbed the i.d., stuck it down his shorts and wiped his entire naughty region with it, front and back. The i.d. was then passed around and all of the male hashers repeated similar actions with Tick Dick becoming the most intimate with it. Finally the i.d. was handed back to Altar Boy, stench and all.

 

Just Chris was given his new name, Father Stache McNasty (or was it Father McNasty Stache?). Some time during the Circle's second hour, the group wasn't sure whether the Father was just really bored or really drunk when he lost all ability to blink or make an expression, so they decided to begin serving him ice water down - downs and inserted an IV needle into his arm to try to keep him at least partially alert for the remainder of the day. About the time when a slobbering drunk bearded man began talking loudly to the hashers in a fake Irish accent and waving his pool stick around narrowly missing Butt Mustard's head, the hashers decided that a hasty Swing Lo was in order.

 

A few of the hashers went on to Washington's for the on - after where PileOn told his story about how his car was broken into in a scary gang - infested Los Angeles neighborhood and a hooker had to take him home.

"I had a hooker take me home once," said Altar Boy, "But it wasn't because anything broke down I can tell you that."

"Do you still have her number?" whispered Tick Dick who by this time had completely lost his voice.

"I think SnowJob has it," said Altar Boy.

"I have your mamma's number!" SnowJob fired back.

 

When it was time for everyone to go home, the hospitable hares called cabs for those who couldn't stand, set up a bike excursion for the next morning for others, and arranged a turn down service at the homes of everyone (at least the homes that were easy to break into). Unfortunately Altar Boy was pulled over by a cop on his way home but the cop took one whiff of his photo i.d. and quickly let him go, no questions dare asked.

 

Was this the best hash ever? There is much speculation that it was but there are plenty of critics who will tell you otherwise. Nobody really knows for sure and a lot of people can't remember much of it.


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