|Posted on August 29, 2010 at 3:53 PM|
Hares: Butt Mustard & Spank'n Granny
Hash Trash: Lay Me Over
NEW HARES TREAT HASHERS TO WHAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN THE BEST HASH EVER
Saturday's Fort Collins May hash began at Washington's Bar and was hosted by Spank'n Granny and Butt Mustard. Though these hares are new to the Ft. Collins region, they were not timid when it came to buying pitchers of beer to ensure the hashers' well being. It was a drink fest at the get - go so by the time the hashers staggered out to the Chalk Talk, they were too delightfully dazed to ever be aware of any part of the trail that might have actually sucked.
The hares took such good care of the hashers that they even escorted them on the entire trail like some sort of gay tour guides. The hashers included SMIWTF who was visiting from North Carolina, Just Sarah, Altar Boy and Just Chris, Strip Me, Head Eunuch, Lay Me Over, PileOn, P*ssy Dominatrix, Dick With a B*tch With a Dick, Tick Dick (who wore a leg condom), Just Wayne and SnowJob.
The trail led north across the Poudre River then east through open land. Whenever the hashers veered off in the wrong direction, Granny would gently tell them where to go using a soothing, motherly tone of voice while Butt Mustard was a little more direct.
"How about opening your *&#%! eyes?!" he would bellow.
Then to ensure all runners were experiencing utmost comfort while they ran, the hares would periodically wipe the hashers' brows (or their butts depending on which needed more immediate attention).
The trail led north across the Poudre River then east through some open land.
"I hate PileOn," said DWAB after reaching the first beer check that was located in a natural area.
Then later he turned to LMO and said, "Shut the F*** up! I hate you! I've had it up to here with you!"
Then he and SnowJob compared stopwatches to determine how fast and how far they had run thus far.
When Head Eunuch arrived after taking a small detour which perplexed the new hares, he excitedly exclaimed, "I just saw a wolf!"
"A wolf?" Just Sarah dubiously asked. "Are you sure it was a wolf or was it a unicorn?"
"No it was definitely, positively, absolutely a wolf!" Eunuch replied.
Then he thought for a moment and said, "Actually now that I think about it, it could have been a giraffe because it had a really long neck. Or it might have been an alligator. It was definitely one of those three."
"Well it's a good think I have my leg condom on then, " said Tick Dick.
The trail then led south towards downtown and along the way P*ssy Dominatrix ran through a car wash to get soaped, rinsed, waxed, buffed and steam cleaned. When she came out she looked like a shiny new Maserati Gran Turismo. The second beer check was located at a bar in Old Town formerly known as Zydeco's but hashers had to run through a motorcycle festival full of 5000 gnarly leather clad, tattoo - covered bikers to get to it. Once inside, several of the hashers slipped on the pools of sweat that had collected at LMO's feet. Eunuch mocked her gushing pores then again mentioned the wolf that he swore he saw that might have been a giraffe or even an alligator. Then several hashers mocked Tick Dick's leg condom.
The guided trail then led hashers east of town to a bike path and west again back through town ending at Trail Head Saloon. But even with the tour guides holding almost everyone' s hand, Eunuch, Just Chris, Altar Boy and Just Wayne still managed to end up at the wrong bar (Washington's). Before Just Sarah went over there to summon them, they missed out on a veritable banquet at Trail Head that featured several platters of gourmet nachos, fancy fries, champagne and caviar. The hares then gave each hasher a pedicure and applied a refreshing cold loufa sponge to the small of their backs.
"This is probably the best hash ever," purred DWAB as he curled his newly polished toes then glanced at the bar tables to determine whether he could aptly perform another one of his n*ked moonings that might knock a pitcher of beer or two to the floor. Then he said to nobody in particular, "I hate SnowJob."
Circle lasted for two hours because the hares kept ordering more pitchers of beer and accusations were plentiful. The group became unruly however, not unlike a pack of wild dogs and PileOn struggled to maintain control, suffering many bites on his hands and his neck. At one point Circle became so raucous that a seal clap slipped out along with Altar Boy's driver's license from his pocket. Eunuch then grabbed the i.d., stuck it down his shorts and wiped his entire naughty region with it, front and back. The i.d. was then passed around and all of the male hashers repeated similar actions with Tick Dick becoming the most intimate with it. Finally the i.d. was handed back to Altar Boy, stench and all.
Just Chris was given his new name, Father Stache McNasty (or was it Father McNasty Stache?). Some time during the Circle's second hour, the group wasn't sure whether the Father was just really bored or really drunk when he lost all ability to blink or make an expression, so they decided to begin serving him ice water down - downs and inserted an IV needle into his arm to try to keep him at least partially alert for the remainder of the day. About the time when a slobbering drunk bearded man began talking loudly to the hashers in a fake Irish accent and waving his pool stick around narrowly missing Butt Mustard's head, the hashers decided that a hasty Swing Lo was in order.
A few of the hashers went on to Washington's for the on - after where PileOn told his story about how his car was broken into in a scary gang - infested Los Angeles neighborhood and a hooker had to take him home.
"I had a hooker take me home once," said Altar Boy, "But it wasn't because anything broke down I can tell you that."
"Do you still have her number?" whispered Tick Dick who by this time had completely lost his voice.
"I think SnowJob has it," said Altar Boy.
"I have your mamma's number!" SnowJob fired back.
When it was time for everyone to go home, the hospitable hares called cabs for those who couldn't stand, set up a bike excursion for the next morning for others, and arranged a turn down service at the homes of everyone (at least the homes that were easy to break into). Unfortunately Altar Boy was pulled over by a cop on his way home but the cop took one whiff of his photo i.d. and quickly let him go, no questions dare asked.
Was this the best hash ever? There is much speculation that it was but there are plenty of critics who will tell you otherwise. Nobody really knows for sure and a lot of people can't remember much of it.