|Posted on August 29, 2010 at 4:08 PM|
Hares: Free Busch & Pays for Busch
Hash Trash: Lay Me Over
BREWERIES, BARS AND BIKES
Nineteen hashers showed up at Spring Park on Saturday for the Ft. Collins Breweries, Bars and Bikes Hash that was hared by Free Busch and Pays 4Busch. Some hashers didn't take the biking part very seriously and wore Tevas on their feet or neglected to bring helmets or locks. SnowJob at least managed to bring a lock but he left the key to the lock at home. Just Sara doesn't own a lock because she figures if someone steals her bike she has seven more at home. Fatal When Swallowed brought along a bag of kitty litter in case he needed to make a quick pit stop on trail where there were no bathrooms nearby. Butt Mustard showed up wearing a tool belt. He looked at his watch and said, "Let's make this a quick hash. I have to get home to finish rebuilding my house."
Other hashers adopted a more professional approach by actually training or at least doping for the event several days in advance, wearing race jerseys and clipless pedals or bringing along their own pit crews.
Just Wayne (who was recently renamed Oozing Head) brought a bike that had more suspension than the Golden Gate Bridge. Gang Banger and Ribbed For Her Pleasure flew here all the way from Guam just for this event since riding bicycles in Guam is a nearly impossible feat given that the island is overpopulated with Brown Tree Snakes that slither all over the roads.
Fowl Rider and Back In 2AWA brought along both of their young boys who are already bike racers and Dylan even wore the medal he won in a bike race the other week.
Spanking Granny wore a yellow jersey that was so bright it caused retina damage to those who looked at him while not wearing sunglasses. The steroids he was on made him so dehydrated that day that cactus needles were poking out of his skin. Stick Me and Roaming Puma drove up from Cheyenne and Just Mary showed up for her second hash.
For the first beer check hashers were given the option of following trail or looking at a photo of the interior of a bar that would give them a clue where to go. Most of the hashers figured out that the photo was taken at Island Grill when they turned the photo over and saw words that said, "Island Grill." The rest of the bunch who did not have enough of a half mind to solve the puzzle, followed trail west to the railroad tracks then south to Drake and east to Lemay.
At Island Grill a bartender said to Spanking Granny while shielding his eyes, "Sir? Can you please turn your bright yellow shirt down a notch? You're blinding our customers."
For the second beer check hashers were shown another photo of the interior of a bar and Just Sara recognized the logo from Ft. Collins Brewery. But instead of trying to follow the trail that might lead down picturesque bike paths and along rivers and lakes, Can't Say No and Head Eunuch who have a real flare for finding scenic routes, took control and led the pack straight down Lemay, one of the busiest and polluted streets in the entire city. As hashers inhaled exhaust fumes and got smacked in the elbows by side view mirrors brushing past them, Lay Me Over belligerently said to Eunuch, "Do you think there could have been a better way to go?!!"
ust then Snow Job hollered at Eunuch and LMO, "STOP!" Luckily they did for just ahead, three motorists had run a red light at the intersection of Mulberry and Lemay and made a left turn directly in front of them, completely oblivious. While Eunuch recovered quickly enough to flip them off and holler a few words of endearment, LMO was busy watching her life flash before her in which she saw herself picking cotton on a Charleston plantation while wearing chains around her ankles. "Wait a minute!" she yelled. "That's not my life! Someone else's life is flashing before me!"
In his delirious state, Spanking Granny realized only two blocks from the brewery that he left his shag bag at Island Grill so he had to ride back and get it. By this time his dehydrated condition had deteriorated so much that desert sand was spilling out of several of his orifices.
While most of the hashers showed up at Fort Collins Brewery reasonably intact, Fatal Attraction showed up stuck in the grill of a car. Fortunately for him, the car was going to the same place he was. As SMILF excitedly talked about how she couldn't wait to get back to her teaching job this Fall, her face lit up like the new Dallas Cowboys Stadium on a Monday night.
"Miss?" said the Ft. Collins Brewery bartender to SMILF. "Can you please turn your face down a notch? You're blinding our customers."
"I better change the subject then," SMILF twinkled.
Eunuch then grumbled, "Who else lights up like that when they're talking about their dumb a** job?!! Where I work I don't get paid enough to light up!"
Just then, Yeast Infection strode in with her free New Belgian bicycle. She explained that she just got off work and as she mentioned her work and how the management there had given her so much support for this bike hash by helping her fix her flat tire, bringing in a sports psychologist to help prep her for both the ride and the multiple brewery stops, and giving her a rousing send-off pep rally that featured balloons, a five - piece jazz band and a generous raise, her face naturally lit up like the new Dallas Cowboys Stadium on a Monday night.
Eunuch groaned again, "I think I'm going to be sick. I hate it when other people like their jobs!"
"Job?" Pays 4Busch asked with a puzzled expression on his face.
Butt Mustard looked at his watch again, waved his hammer in circles above his head and impatiently said, "Can we get a move on? I have work to do on my house!"
After the second beer check, hashers were given the option of going directly to the third beer stop at the new brewery in Old Town or for extra credit they could stop off at O'Dells Brewery. Most opted for the extra credit. Soon after, both Just Sara and SnowJob sped home claiming they had other friends to attend to.
The on-after was located at the new Sports Exchange on Linden Street. On the way there Butt Mustard approached a lone bum who was standing on the sidewalk begging for money. Mustard decided to buy him a piece of pizza. As he handed the pizza to the bum he said, "Here you go Pays 4Busch."
"Hey man, thanks for the pizza," Pays 4Busch responded. "Can I have some money too?"
"Shut the f*ck up!" Mustard shouted. "And quit begging for money here! This is Eunuch's territory. Go find your own sidewalk!"
Inside Sports Exchange, hashers ordered drinks with prices that fluctuated based on the stock market. So when Fowl Rider was drinking a beer she bought for $2.30, Free Busch ordered the same beer 15 minutes later for $52.34.
"Damn I got screwed," she whined. "I knew we shouldn't have ended the hash here!"
Later the group ate hamburgers topped with quail eggs and PileOn gawked at the waitress who was wearing a short skirt and cowboy boots. Fortunately he regained his focus and led a smooth Circle that was plentiful with both pitchers of beer and accusations.
While Just Mary filmed everything, hashers drank down - downs for hanging helmets
on their butts, joining in private conversations on purpose, spitting out down -down beer that had ice cubes in it, going to the restroom during Circle, and wearing green. In addition to that they had to drink down - downs for a variety of dumb reasons as well. Yeast then flashed the crowd and Butt Mustard while clenching a wrench looked at his watch and said, "Let's wrap this up!"
A few hashers went on to Steak Out Saloon for the on-on-after. On the way there they spotted a lone bum standing on the sidewalk with a sign saying, "Will Drink Beer for Work."
"Go home Fatal!" the hashers shouted at him. "This is 2AWA's sidewalk!"
At Steak Out, LMO interviewed Gang Banger about an assortment of controversial topics (including the plight of the Brown Tree Snake from Guam) while Eunuch could be heard in the background grumbling, "What a buzz kill!"