|Posted on February 16, 2011 at 12:02 PM|
Hares: Fillip*nis & Spank'n Granny
Hash Trash: Lay Me Over (with special contribution by Dick DeRailleur)
THE HOOTER HASH
(this is my version of the story and this is exactly what happened)
January's Fort Collins hash began with a pre-lube that was located at a hussy
waitress haven called Hooter's on I-25. The hares were Fillip*nis and Spanking
Granny. Keeps It Up pulled into the parking lot on his Harley. Tongue Hole
rode up from Denver in her kayak. She was wearing bright Play-Doh - colored
running tights. Spanking Granny pulled up in his spanking new 2011 black Subaru
Sanctuary, a veritable spa on wheels that features heated seats, satellite
radio, an herbal tea lounge,a tanning booth and a personal masseuse. When he
climbed out of the car he was wrapped in a Tahitian banana leaf wrap and he
wreaked of lavender body oil.
The male hashers in the bunch could not have been more thrilled that day with
their pre-lube location and behaved like a pack of drooling pups in heat. As a
half - n*ked busty waitress took their drink orders they would study her from
boob to boob and swoon.
"Oh we may be sitting down," Head Eunuch said to her, "But trust me, we are
giving you a standing ovation!"
"Meooowwww!" murmured Pays 4Busch.
"Yowsa!" shouted Dick With a B*tch with a Dick."
"Smokin!" squealed Back In 2AWA.
Tick Dick, a regular at Hooter's who knows each of the waitress's breasts by
name, insisted that every pre-lube from now on should begin at Hooter's.
As hashers sipped their beers, Fatal When Swallowed suddenly walked through the
doors wearing camouflage military pants. Because this was his first hash since
serving overseas for the last few months the whole gang stood up and applauded
him for a long moment.
Then Tongue Hole noticed the princess barrettes in Free Busch's hair and asked
if she could borrow one to fasten to her infamous leg hair.
The trail led hashers across open fields near where the greyhound racing track
used to be. Several flight for life helicopters took off from the nearby heart
center called "Slots O' Hearts" but hashers kept having to reassure Keeps It Up
that the helicopters were not coming for him.
As usual, SnowJob's racing spirit emerged.
"Ok keep the front runners in you sight," SnowJob coached Lay Me Over. "I'm a
little worried about Back In 2AWA and P*ssy Dominatrix. They seem like real
contenders today so don't let them get too far ahead. Just pick off one hasher
at a time, maintain your focus, monitor your energy reservoir and watch your
footing! The surface is a little cuppy today. Then take the leaders when they
least expect it. You can win this thing. Bring it home!"
There was a beer check in a windy field then later hashers approached a
turkey/eagle split that divided them into two groups, those that had an
unwavering desire to challenge themselves and find sweet reward in their pursuit
of athletic excellence........... and those that were wusses.
The only ones to make the break for the eagle trail were Back In 2AWA, P*ssy
Dominatrix and Lay Me Over. The rest of the apathetic bunch either chose the
turkey trail which quickly led to a second beer check or they attempted the
eagle trail but quickly realized they lacked aspiration so they gave up and
shortcutted to the second beer check.
At the beer check which was located in a windy parking lot, Yeast Infection
decided to sprawl out on the pavement then Tongue Hole grabbed a piece of chalk
and drew an outline around her body. When they finished, the men in the group
gazed at the curvaceous chalk drawing and hyperventilated.
"Yeast does have a nice figure doesn't she?" crooned PileOn.
"Wow!" exclaimed Dick DeRailleur. "That's one sexy chalk figure!"
"Smokin'!" yelped Pays 4Busch.
"Hey Filip*nis, what's that in your pocket?" asked Free Busch.
"Must be the same thing that's in PileOn's pocket," observed Comes For Big Ones.
"Hey guys," said PileOn. "Can you leave me alone for awhile? I would like to
spend a little quality time with this Yeast figure if you know what I mean."
Then he laid down next to the chalk figure and tried to spoon it.
Finally the group headed to the on - after located at a hole - in - the - wall
bar called Hole In The Wall. By the time 2AWA, P*ssy and LMO reached the 2nd
beer check everyone else had already gone. They stared in disbelief at their
desolate surroundings. The wind howled around them and a couple of tumble weeds
blew by as the eerie theme music to 'The Good, the Bad and the Ugly' played in
As 2AWA knelt down beside Yeast's drawing and gently caressed it, LMO muttered,
"Those good for nothing stinking lazy trolls," ranted LMO. "They all left!
LEFT!! Could any of them have waited for us? NO!! They all had to leave!
Could they have left a beer for us? NO!!"
"This is such a buzz kill," muttered P*ssy.
The three of them searched in vain for the flour mark that would lead them out
of there. P*ssy ultimately began to hallucinate and every time she saw movement
in the the distance she'd yell, "Is that a hasher? How about that?" But alas,
it was only a dog, a bird or the sun setting in the horizon.
Finally they found trail again though 2AWA was highly reluctant to leave the
Yeast outline. Once they walked through the doors of the on - after bar, Circle
had already begun.
"LMO," said SnowJob with disappointment etched across his face. "I don't think
you won today. You weren't even close."
Yeast led Circle for the first time but only four minutes later, Pays 4Busch and
Free Busch dashed out. Then Eunuch kept looking at his watch and at one point
grabbed his shag bag and said to nobody, "I' should go. I've got to work on
Dick DeRailleur had to drink for suggesting that the hares didn't have enough
falses upon checks upon falses.
Tongue Hole drank for having private conversations with herself.
Hash announcements were uninformative, made up of TBA's. Then everyone headed
back to Hooter's for the on - on -after. Those that rode in Granny's Subaru
spa fell into a blissful trance so by the time Granny reached Hooter's he had to
poke them with a cattle prod to get them out of his car.
A few hashers went back inside Hooter's to dine on greasy chicken wings and
Lots' A Tots. Eunuch ate his wings by himself at the bar and SnowJob talked
about his two - car garage. Feeling hot, Tongue Hole tried to put her long
armpit hair into a bun, Keeps It Up tried to pay for everyone's food and beer
before they would notice and Fillip*nis hissed like a cat.
A good time was had by all.
Lay Me Over (with special contribution by Dick DeRailleur)