|Posted on December 11, 2009 at 1:18 PM|
Hares: Free Busch, Fowl Rider, Back in 2AWA, Pays 4 Busch
Hash Scribe: Lay Me Over
THE BOBCAT RIDGE CHAINSAW GRASS MASSACRE
Only six local hashers knew how to get to the Ft. Collins hash located at Bobcat Ridge. The dozen or more hashers who didn't know how to get there (including Just Aaron from Boulder) took a look at the hash directions and still couldn't figure out how to get there. After more than likely driving back and forth through Masonville a couple of times, reading the directions again and then driving back and forth three or four more times while muttering multiple expletives, they probably gave up and went home. Raggedy An*s and 11-Year B*tch spotted the Horsetooth biker bar many miles east of Masonville and stopped there to refuel before continuing their dizzying search. Luckily, after snarfing down a couple beers and the best burger 11-Year B*tch ever had, the two finally stumbled upon Bobcat Ridge an hour later.
The four hares were Back In 2AWA, Fowl Rider, Pays 4Busch and Free Bus(c)h plus two mini-hares, 2AWA's and Rider's three - year - old Drew and five - year -old Dyllan. The six hashers who showed up for the start included Krabs R' Us and PileOn, Lay Me Over, Tick Dick, P*ssy Dominatrix and 3 Holes No Waiting who looked vaguely familiar to the other hashers but nobody could remember his name since it had been so long since they last saw him.
While the hashers prepared for their run and asked each other where everyone else was, the two kids piled onto their stroller causing it to topple over onto three - year - old Drew.
"Wow, I didn't see that coming!" Drew excitedly shrieked.
"That's my boy," 2AWA beamed. "Unexpected things build character! Get back on there again and find out how else you can get hurt!"
The first half of the trail was actually laid by Drew and was therefore marked with pink Play-dough and yellow Big Bird stickers. It led the hashers through spiny and serrated waist-high vegetation called electric chainsaw grass which shredded the hashers' fragile leg skin, and then the trail brought them to a beer check that was surrounded by toy soldiers and a cooler filled with Kool - Aid.
Fowl Rider and 2AWA were there to meet the hashers and Rider proudly exclaimed, "My three-year-old laid all of the trail up to this point! I thought he was going to lose focus when the chainsaw grass cut him up beyond recognition from head to foot and then again when he was trampled by a horse and rider, but I just kept telling him, no Oreo Cookies for you until you lay your part of the trail! I got him to finally stop crying when I told him that the horseshoe imprint on his chest will bring good luck."
As if Kool - Aid wasn't enough of a pick-me-up, Tick Dick reached into his shorts and pulled out his foot-long can of Irish Cream Ale, took a few sips then fit it back into his shorts. Shortly after he began running again, he fell into a gopher hole, (one of the many that Pays 4Busch deviously planted on trail after receiving a gopher hole kit for his birthday). When he climbed back out of the hole, a thirsty bull snake slithered up into his shorts and drank the rest of his Irish Creme Ale without his knowledge.
When there was a pause on trail as hashers tried to figure out which direction to go, P*ssy Dominatrix used her expert animal training skills to get a rabbit to do the moon walk while Krabs chattered on about her dream of one day living with Indians at the edge of the Grand Canyon. PileOn chastised LMO for screaming, "Here's one!" whenever she found a flour dollup and later he began to sing 'Old Man River' as the electric chainsaw grasses droned on in the background. Eventually Tick Dick hollered, "Hey! What's this snake doing in my shorts?!" Just then P*ssy gave the snake some hand signals and instantly the snake slid back out of his shorts, twirled around three times while barking like a dog then did a Moon Slide back into the grass.
The trail then led the hashers to an old abandoned cabin where Freddy Krueger was seen peering at them from inside one of the windows, then over more of Pays 4Busch's gopher holes (three of which Tick Dick fell into again), and finally back to the trailhead where they met up with Raggedy and 11-Year B*tch who had Ketchup smeared on her chin.
As rain descended upon the ridge, the hashers huddled under the roof of a picnic area where little Dylan handed them cans of Corona and took a few sips himself whenever 2AWA gave him the ok. 3 Holes then rifled through Tick Dick's fanny pack and found a can of mace and a tube of Astro Cream.
"Well you never know when I might come face to face with a r*pist on trail," Tick Dick sheepishly explained.
Pays 4Busch grabbed the Astro Cream and said, "Hey does anyone have a quarter? I want to see how far I can make it slide."
"Will a dime work?" asked PileOn.
"What is Astro Cream?" asked Krabs. "Is that hair gel? Can I have some?"
Then Tick Dick showed everyone his chainsaw grass-marred legs and LMO showed off the peculiar bobcat scratch she acquired on trail that formed the word REDRUM.
"I hate cats," said Tick Dick.
"I had a cat once," said 3 Holes. "But I killed it."
"Yeah I'm allergic to cats," said 11-Year Bitch.
"Doesn't anyone here like cats?" whined LMO.
"I like them with mashed potatoes and gravy," said PileOn. "Ummm!"
"Ok honey," said Krabs with her bangs sticking straight up. "I just put some Astro Cream in my hair. How do I look?"
"Oh baby, come to me!" cooed PileOn.
"I used to have a rabbit," said 3 Holes. "But it chewed up all my furniture and so my brother cooked it.
Go ahead and ask me what other animal I used to have."
"Did you ever have a gerbil?" asked LMO.
"I did. But then my brother crushed its skull with his knee."
An alarmed P*ssy put her fingers in her ears. She had heard enough.
"Ask me again," he said.
"Did you ever have a bird?"
"I did have a bird as a matter of fact. But my brother plucked out all of its feathers and it died."
"Okay can we get back to business?" complained Free Bus(c)h. "I have a plane to catch to another far away land and don't have time for this immature nonsense....plus I really have to pee!" Then she crouched down only a few feet away from the group.
Then Pays 4Busch said, "Everyone listen up! I am going to lead Circle." After everyone's laughter subsided, he looked down at his two pages full of notes, cleared his throat and said, "Ok everyone circle up in a square."
"Wow, he isn't kidding is he?" said Raggedy.
Pays 4Busch continued reading his scribbled marks then looked up and said, "Bring on the hares!" After all of the hares drank their multiple down-downs there was no beer left for the rest of the bunch.
Most of the words of the first couple of lyrics of each song were sung, followed by a lot of mumbling for the remainder of the words. 'Dumb A**' was the only song sung perfectly in its entirety and that happened when 3 Holes told everyone he recently got married. Krabs ended up singing "She's Alright" twice, neither version any more concise than the other.
Pays 4Busch turned to the second page of his notes, then said, "Ok bring on the hares!"
"We already did that dufus!" yelled Free Bus(c)h.
"Okay any accusations?"
"We just did accusations!" she fired back.
Raggedy said, "Yeah I have an announcement alright. This one is for 3 Holes. The Fort Collins hash meets on the last Saturday of every month! Check into it!"
Then out of the blue, LMO began to mimic Jesus trying to run while still nailed to the cross. A split two seconds later a horrifying bolt of lighting struck the ground only a few yards away from the hashers. Now fearing for their lives, they hastily sang 'Swing Low' to wrap things up then grabbed their things and rushed off to Fowl Rider's and 2AWA's house for the on-after where 3 Holes drunkenly knocked off some of their wall hangings, Pays 4Busch toppled over a full bottle of beer, and 11-Year-B*tch walked out the back door and said, "I'm going skinny-dipping!" Then before Raggedy could stop her, she whipped off her clothes and dove off the second-story deck into the kiddie wading pool below. Had there been any water in the pool, she might have been alright.
A good time was had by all.