|Posted on May 5, 2010 at 8:37 PM|
Hares: Krabs R Us & Lay Me Over
Hash Trash: Lay Me Over
MARCH HASH (this is my version of the story and this is exactly what happened)
Of the 36 pounds of flour that hares Krabs R' Us and Lay Me Over had on hand for their March hash that began in Loveland at Hot Shotz, 35 pounds of it never made it out of the bag. In fact there was more Easter Candy on trail than there was flour but the hashers never found that either. The only thing that the hashers didn't lose sight of during the two-hour run was Head Eunuch and only because he was wearing a bright orange crossing guard vest.
As the hashers unsuccessfully searched for their colored clues, the snappy expletives that came flying out of their mouths combined with their raging Rottweiler expressions, might have indicated that they were feeling less than sublime about the gluten - free terrain on which they wandered.
Dick With a B*tch With a Dick, Snow Job, Shoe F*cker and Tick Dick gave up only 30 minutes into the run and returned to Hot Shotz to begin their drinking binge.
Those who pressed on included Er*ction Master wearing his 37 pieces of hash flair (plus one "Breastfeed with Pride" pin) and Just Wayne who is uncomfortable with the idea of yelling "on-on," so he yelled "Flour Ahead" instead. Also in attendance were Little Head, PileOn, Ice Hole, Up My Poudre and Alter Boy.
When Eunuch ran into the hares at the halfway point and asked them in a rather Naziesque manner where the "f*cking flour was," the unexpected and horrific intensity and piquancy of his words were so debilitating, that the eight confused children who had been following him up to this point (having seen his orange crossing guard vest and therefore assumed it was a school day), immediately stopped in their tracks in terror. They then hastily gave him a heil Hitler salute before turning around and sprinting home as fast as their little legs could carry them.
But being that this was Krabs' last hash, both Krabs and LMO were feeling far too celebratory to give much thought to the complaints of the displeased halfminds. The only thing Krabs cared about was whether anyone would be able to see the grey hair on her eyebrow and LMO's only worry was whether or not she would be able to refrain from clapping like a seal during Circle.
Up My Poudre was one of few who didn't look distressed on trail but that's because she had become so loaded on champagne and Easter Candy at the champagne and Easter Candy check that her flourless whereabouts were really of no concern to her. She ran while carrying a cup of champagne in one hand and a handful of Cadbury chocolate eggs in the other and gleefully exclaimed, "I'm having such a good time!"
When hashers somehow finally made it to the end which was also located at Hot Shotz, a few hashers slithered away into the bushes to acquire a buzz through alternative means while Krabs grabbed one of Little Head's cigarettes and began puffing away like Bette Davis.
Pays 4Busch then pulled into the parking lot having finished dropping off resumes at all of the gas stations within a 43 - mile radius of Severance. After the burly bartender walked outside to stare sternly at those who were drinking beer in the parking lot, all of the hashers finally filed inside for Circle during which Pays 4Busch and Alter Boy watched basketball on t.v.
Krabs periodically passed her camera around to the crowd so people could take pictures of her drinking down-downs with her bunny ears on but when she got it back she discovered there were more x-rated "hamster" shots than anything else.
Circle included a few private parties (most of them intentional) along with a couple of Snow Job's Boom Chugga Luggas, three classic Ice Hole interruptions about nothing remotely relevant, one Pays 4Busch fart, LMO's seal clapping, Shoe F*cker's laughter, and Alter Boy's addressing everyone as "you the jury." Despite all this chaos, PileOn was able to keep the Circle boat afloat while Little Head graciously served as beer bimbo, filling the tiny NyQuil cups that the bartender had provided.
After Circle, a few hashers went to the Island Grill where Little Head discussed his potential Little Breads franchise and Tick Dick talked hungrily about the two Vietnamese girls he adopted. Then DWAB grabbed Krabs' camera while she was engrossed in her martini and both he and Tick Dick attempted to get more shots of their crotches much to the obvious dismay of the older couple trying to eat at the table next to them. Luckily for Krabs the batteries died at just the right moment.
A good time was had by all.
We'll miss you Krabs!