|Posted on February 16, 2011 at 11:52 AM|
Hares: Dick DeRailleur & P*ssy Dominatrix
Hash Trash: Lay Me Over
A REALLY BAD JOKE (this is my version of the story and this is exactly what happened)
Saturday's Ft. Collins hash was hosted by Dick DeRailleur and P*ssy Dominatrix. It began in the ghetto at Pobre Panchos on north College. Twelve hashers showed up including Sp*rm Crawler who was visiting from Michigan and now talks like a Michigander using words like, "Geez - O - Pete," "How' Zit Goin," "Wherebouts," and "Kripes Almighty." Facial and I Blow showed up from Boulder wearing gorilla feet. While Free Busch chose not to run trail because of her over -achieving run that morning, PileOn chose to run despite having over - achieved at a dueling piano bar the night before. In fact he was still singing 'I Will Survive" at the top of his lungs while he was pulling into the parking lot. Pays4Busch was there as well as Spanking Granny, Yeast Infection, Strip Me, PileOn, Head Eunuch, Lay Me Over and a v*rgin named Just Darin.
The hares were nothing if not innovative (and maybe a little high on crack). The two false trails that were positioned at opposite corners at the very beginning were so long that by the time hashers finally came to the end of them they had to hitchhike back to the beginning. Then there were more falses after falses, checks after checks, falses after checks, checks after falses. And just to mix it up a little, the hares threw in a couple of true trail dollops just to confuse the hashers and get them to branch out a little from the circles they were running in.
One of the two true trails led hashers through a creepy trailer park inhabited largely by families of gang members or Mexican immigrants who kept their yards cluttered with velvet Elvis paintings , cars on blocks, and empty PBR cans. There were patrol cars circling the area and loose dogs running all over the place in desperate search for their owners who were either still in jail or bedridden with bullet wounds. This trail then led west through a natural area to a beer check and then the second true trail led through Lee Martinez Park to a Jell-O shot check that was located in the alley in back of Just Darin's house unbeknownst to him.
Unfortunately, Just Darin and Eunuch were too fast for P*ssy who had not yet finished laying that part of the trail when they caught up to her so they missed out entirely on the Jell-O shot check where Just Darin's wife Beth was waiting to greet her husband and his new friends.
Because all hashers had learned from childhood how to adapt in the face of adversity, and because they enjoyed running in new and exciting directions on a warm sunny day with their friends, because they knew there would be beer at the end, and knew there was nothing too upsetting on that splendid day that should cause them to fall into a demonic, cursing Exorcist head - spin, they were able to remain dignified, calm and amiable even all the way up to the 32nd check. In turn, this respectable behavior created an atmosphere both positive and pleasant for everyone involved. It was almost as if they were hashing on Sesame Street (only without the warm fuzzy characters, the syrupy songs or Katy Perry appearing as a guest star wearing a skanky wardrobe).
When they spoke to one another, their words were soft and sweet:
"Who the $#^&8! ** do they think they are?!"
"Are you kidding me?!"
"Where the Hell do you think we should go now?"
"This is just great!"
"What time is it?"
"Son of a......"
"I'm going back to my car."
The trail ultimately checked and falsed its way to the end which was located in Dick and P*ssy's back yard. The on - after featured a large assortment of chips, dips, exotic ales, a fire burning in a chiminea, a fountain flowing with beer, and a dog that played dead.
Facial and I Blow farted continuously while PileOn (still hung over from the piano bar) loudly sang 'Sweet Home Alabama'. LMO showed off the horrific bruises on her leg. She told Crawler she sustained them in a mountain bike wreck but she told Pays 4Busch she got them from a train wreck, told Eunuch she experienced bad turbulence on a flight, but she told P*ssy that she was in a bar fight. Little did anyone know that the real place she got her wounds was at a novelty store. She simply peeled them off when she got home later that evening then layed out the snake bite stickers she planned to wear for the next hash.
Pays 4Busch drank from a bottle of cough syrup even though Strip Me was the one with the cough and soon his beautiful wooden beer mug was stolen.
Then the dog dropped to the ground and played dead.
"You know what they say about dead dogs?" said Pays 4Busch. "Never pet them."
"No, that's burning dog!" hollered Strip Me. "Never pet a burning dog!"
"Oh. Well you shouldn't pet a dead one either."
"When is the last time you saw a burning dog anyway?" asked Free Bush. "And why would one be burning?"
"Do you always have to be so logical?" said Pays 4Busch.
"Hey are we really having this conversation?" asked Free Busch.
"No," said PileOn. "I have a feeling this part is being made up."
"You're not even in this conversation!"
"Oh," said PileOn. Then, still hung over from the piano bar, he began singing 'Piano Man.'
Sp*rm Crawler told about his adventures in alligator and spider - infested swamps in Savannah.
"Geez - O - Pete!" He said. "The water was up to my arm pits and the spiders were as big as my hand!"
Then Facial's butt said, "Blrrruupp!" And everyone tried to get far away from her while Eunuch then said, "Dear God, make me into a bird so I can fly fa, fa away." Then he added, "This yard is the best yard for an on - after," said Eunuch. "Let's do a camp out!"
"Does this dog know how to fetch me a beer?" asked Crawler.
The dog heard him and quickly dropped to the ground to play dead.
Because everyone was having such a good time, Circle was delayed until 8pm. Just Darin's wife Beth then arrived at the on - after and then Circle began.
During Circle, everyone was required to come up with their best bad joke. Prizes were given to the top three best worst jokes including a tiny bottle of whiskey and Eunuch's pee - soaked shorts (which later ended up burning in the fire).
The winning jokes included LMO's joke about the woman who took her sick dog to the vet.
"It looks like your dog is suffering from Tom Jones Disease," the vet said.
"Is that common in dogs?" asked the woman.
"Well, it's not unusual."
Facial's joke which tied with LMO's was, "What do you call a fish with no eyes?"
Just Beth had the best worst joke: "Where does the general keep his armies?"
"Up his sleevies."
As neighbors peered over the fence at the boisterous and laughing crowd and the dog dropped to the ground again to play dead, Darin drank down - downs for being a v*rgin, for pointing with his finger, for calling people by their real names and for having shaved legs. Later he confessed that he was getting pretty buzzed while P*ssy laughed until she cried during the Jesus song, Strip Me coughed until she puked and Facial farted until she sharted. Facial then passed around a tray of Jell - O shots that were garnished with Cheetos and broccoli. Anyone who was wearing glasses or contact lenses had to drink as well as those who were not wearing any underwear.
"Phllllllzzzzzp!" said Facial's butt as everyone groaned and held their noses.
"We're camping out!" yelled Eunuch.
"R.E.S.P.E.C.T!" PileOn sang loudly.
When Circle finally ended at 9pm, Dick and P*ssy kicked everyone out of the yard. There would be no camp out that night.
Once everyone left, Dick turned to P*ssy and said, "Well, we did it!"
"It all went perfectly as planned," said P*ssy. "The joke was on them!"
"Did you see the expressions on their faces by the time they got to the first beer check? Priceless!"
"First beer check? How about the second one?! I thought their heads were going to explode!"
"Ha ha ha ha! RULES?! WHAT RULES?! This hash wasn't ever gonna have no rules!"
"That will teach them not to encourage everyone to become a hare! Now maybe they'll leave us alone!"
"Do you think any of them suspected it was all a hoax?"
"Are you kidding? Not a one!"
"Did you like how I feigned total surprise and sorrow when they yucked about the sucky trail?"
"Great acting honey! Hey what are you going to wear to the Oscars?"
"Ha ha ha ha!"
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!
P*ssy then hollered at the dog, "Griffin! They're gone. You can get up now. The game is over."
The dog gladly picked itself up off the ground from its dead position and bounded over to them and the two then turned and walked cheerfully hand in hand inside their house.
A good time was had by Dick and P*ssy.
Lay Me Over