|Posted on February 16, 2011 at 12:00 PM|
Hares: Free Busch & PileOn
Hash Trash: Lay Me Over
THE ROLL BACK HASH
(this is my version of the story and this is exactly what happened)
It was a very basic December hash. PileOn and Free Busch were the hares. The
beginning and end were located at the same very basic bar in a very basic town;
Bruce's in Severance. There were two beer checks, a couple falses and a couple
checks. There was a basic On-In and a basic Circle then everyone was back home
by 6pm. It was the kind of hash that really only needs a paragraph or two to
describe...one would think. But there are actually a few more details worth
mentioning...a lot more.
Hashers only needed to look at Yeast Infection's boobs partially hidden under a
top she kept unzipped for the entire afternoon, to know that it was cold that
"Nice necklace," PileOn said while gazing at her cleavage even though Yeast
wasn't wearing a necklace that day.
Also in attendance were Pays4Busch, Dick With A B*tch with a Dick, Lay Me Over
, Tick Dick, Rin Tin T*ts who finally made it from Longmont and Fillip*nis who
brought Just Terry from Montrose.
PileOn looked exhausted from his heavy partying the night before but DWAB
decided that cancer of the balls was the reason for him appearing less than
"Hey I know, why don't you write that PileOn has cancer of the balls?" DWAB said
"But why? He doesn't have cancer of the balls. You're asking me to write about
something that's totally not true, spread vicious rumors about him while giving
myself a reputation for embellishing which is so out of character for me. And
"Because," replied DWAB, "It will be absolutely hysterical!"
"Whatever!" snapped LMO using sign language.
"Loser!" responded DWAB using more sign language.
"What kind of cancer can I have?" asked Rin Tin T*ts. "How about cancer of the
Then Tick Dick walked in and he and DWAB embraced for a long moment, having
formed a very close bond some time in the past six months unbeknownst to anyone.
They finished each other's sentences, stared adoringly into each other's eyes,
and joked about the hash they're haring together in April called "Beyond the
"Cackle! Cackle! Cackle!" they laughed with tears coming out of their eyes.
Hashers later noticed the large lustrous ring on Tick Dick's finger that DWAB
had given him. It was an exact replica of Princess Diana's engagement ring.
The trail led the frozen hashers past an assortment of barking dogs who pulled
frantically at their chains, down a narrow canal filled with corn husks that
crunched under their feet, and past a dead skunk at the side of the road. The
very basic trail was so void of challenge that the hashers began to doze off in
mid stride. Fortunately they woke up at the first beer check which featured a
bottle of liquor the color of Scope mouthwash. When Yeast took a sip she
realized it WAS Scope mouthwash.
After hashers left the first beer check, DWAB blew snot from his nose directly
onto Fillip*nis' head after which Fillip*nis hurled a spit wad back at him.
"You're such a *#$*#@ p*nis!" DWAB roared.
The second beer check featured bottles of dreadfully old eggnog and apple cider
At the On-In, the group posed for a photo in front of one of Bruce's scared
running bull signs (with PileOn showing his nak*d butt) and then Yeast emailed
the photo overseas to Fatal When Swallowed for his birthday.
Circle was held outside and when hashers sang a song about a left t*t hanging
down to the knee, LMO took the words 'Roll Back' from an entirely different song
and added those to the end. Then she and DWAB inserted Roll Back somewhere in
every subsequent song after that.
Pays4Busch had to drink a down - down for wearing the prettiest running shoes
(a dazzling Christmas green), DWAB drank for being the only one to wear shorts,
PileOn drank for wearing a Santa hat, Rin Tin T*ts drank for being a polite wall
Yeast and Just Terry were encouraged to reveal their n*ked breasts to which Just
Terry responded, "I'll show my boobs if I get a name today."
The men whooped and hollered at that and Fillip*nis came up with "Comes for Big
Ones" since she usually only attends the bigger hashes. So cold were the
hashers by this time that they put zero effort into thinking up any other
options and it was Rin Tin who immediately said, "Ok I say we vote already,"
and so that became her name. Circle came to a close with PileOn's sad
announcement of his retirement as Circle Master. He could not have had a
happier, more relieved expression on his face had he been President Bush leaving
the White House.
His endearing Circle insanity however will be missed!
Inside Bruce's, Tick Dick dined on shriveled Rocky Mountain oysters while
Pays4Busch ardently exclaimed, "I can't wait to run the Circle next month. I'm
going to bring my baseball bat, my vise and my hammer and carry them around with
me, you know like in the movie Casino? And if anyone can't remember the lyrics
to a song, I will take my bat and beat their heads to a pulp with it then bury
them alive! None of this 'Dumb A** Roll Back' that LMO and DWAB sing or
'Heineken Roll Back!' or 'Doe, the stuff that I roll back my beer with!'
For anyone who talks out of line I will crush their heads in a vise until their
eyes bulge out. And for anyone who dares to question my leadership, I'll stab
them in the neck with a pen!
And we're going to get some new clothes! If somebody (whose name I won't
mention but it rhymes with Shred Shrunuch) doesn't order new clothes so that
we're not stuck wearing the same tired old hash garb year after year, then I
will smash his frostbitten hands with a hammer! All hashers will be required to
wear at least 20 pieces of flare at a time! This will be a gangster Circle to
Fillip*nis gasped excitedly and said, "Wow, I can't wait! Sounds great!"
"Yeah no kidding," said Tick Dick. "I'll be there!"
"But I like my tired old hash garb," said PileOn as he brushed the dust and moth
larvae off of his tattered green hooded sweatshirt.
When Pays4Busch finished his tirade he reached over towards Free Busch and stuck
the tip of his sweatshirt drawstring into her ear canal.
"How cute is that,?" hashers exclaimed. "How did you two meet? What was your
"We never dated," Free Busch snapped. "Are you kidding? Didn't have time. We
met at a football game and then four hours later I bought my wedding dress and
asked him if he was going to propose or what?"
Then Pays4Busch replied, "So that's when I kneeled down in a three - legged
stance and proposed to her."
Rin Tin T*ts smiled and reached his finger up to his face to smooth his
Eventually the ailing PileOn stood up and walked out the door during which one
of his sickly balls dropped off and rolled across the wooden floor.
"God that's funny!" howled DWAB. "Roll back! Roll back! Cackle! Cackle!
A good time was had by all.
Lay Me Over