Fort Collins Hash House Harriers


Hash Trash

#95 29 January 2011

Posted on February 16, 2011 at 12:02 PM

Hares: Fillip*nis & Spank'n Granny


Hash Trash: Lay Me Over (with special contribution by Dick DeRailleur)



(this is my version of the story and this is exactly what happened)

January's Fort Collins hash began with a pre-lube that was located at a hussy

waitress haven called Hooter's on I-25. The hares were Fillip*nis and Spanking

Granny. Keeps It Up pulled into the parking lot on his Harley. Tongue Hole

rode up from Denver in her kayak. She was wearing bright Play-Doh - colored

running tights. Spanking Granny pulled up in his spanking new 2011 black Subaru

Sanctuary, a veritable spa on wheels that features heated seats, satellite

radio, an herbal tea lounge,a tanning booth and a personal masseuse. When he

climbed out of the car he was wrapped in a Tahitian banana leaf wrap and he

wreaked of lavender body oil.

The male hashers in the bunch could not have been more thrilled that day with

their pre-lube location and behaved like a pack of drooling pups in heat. As a

half - n*ked busty waitress took their drink orders they would study her from

boob to boob and swoon.

"Oh we may be sitting down," Head Eunuch said to her, "But trust me, we are

giving you a standing ovation!"

"Meooowwww!" murmured Pays 4Busch.

"Yowsa!" shouted Dick With a B*tch with a Dick."

"Smokin!" squealed Back In 2AWA.

Tick Dick, a regular at Hooter's who knows each of the waitress's breasts by

name, insisted that every pre-lube from now on should begin at Hooter's.

As hashers sipped their beers, Fatal When Swallowed suddenly walked through the

doors wearing camouflage military pants. Because this was his first hash since

serving overseas for the last few months the whole gang stood up and applauded

him for a long moment.

Then Tongue Hole noticed the princess barrettes in Free Busch's hair and asked

if she could borrow one to fasten to her infamous leg hair.

The trail led hashers across open fields near where the greyhound racing track

used to be. Several flight for life helicopters took off from the nearby heart

center called "Slots O' Hearts" but hashers kept having to reassure Keeps It Up

that the helicopters were not coming for him.

As usual, SnowJob's racing spirit emerged.

"Ok keep the front runners in you sight," SnowJob coached Lay Me Over. "I'm a

little worried about Back In 2AWA and P*ssy Dominatrix. They seem like real

contenders today so don't let them get too far ahead. Just pick off one hasher

at a time, maintain your focus, monitor your energy reservoir and watch your

footing! The surface is a little cuppy today. Then take the leaders when they

least expect it. You can win this thing. Bring it home!"

There was a beer check in a windy field then later hashers approached a

turkey/eagle split that divided them into two groups, those that had an

unwavering desire to challenge themselves and find sweet reward in their pursuit

of athletic excellence........... and those that were wusses.

The only ones to make the break for the eagle trail were Back In 2AWA, P*ssy

Dominatrix and Lay Me Over. The rest of the apathetic bunch either chose the

turkey trail which quickly led to a second beer check or they attempted the

eagle trail but quickly realized they lacked aspiration so they gave up and

shortcutted to the second beer check.

At the beer check which was located in a windy parking lot, Yeast Infection

decided to sprawl out on the pavement then Tongue Hole grabbed a piece of chalk

and drew an outline around her body. When they finished, the men in the group

gazed at the curvaceous chalk drawing and hyperventilated.

"Yeast does have a nice figure doesn't she?" crooned PileOn.

"Wow!" exclaimed Dick DeRailleur. "That's one sexy chalk figure!"

"Smokin'!" yelped Pays 4Busch.

Yeast beamed.

"Hey Filip*nis, what's that in your pocket?" asked Free Busch.

"Must be the same thing that's in PileOn's pocket," observed Comes For Big Ones.

"Hey guys," said PileOn. "Can you leave me alone for awhile? I would like to

spend a little quality time with this Yeast figure if you know what I mean."

Then he laid down next to the chalk figure and tried to spoon it.

Finally the group headed to the on - after located at a hole - in - the - wall

bar called Hole In The Wall. By the time 2AWA, P*ssy and LMO reached the 2nd

beer check everyone else had already gone. They stared in disbelief at their

desolate surroundings. The wind howled around them and a couple of tumble weeds

blew by as the eerie theme music to 'The Good, the Bad and the Ugly' played in

the background.

As 2AWA knelt down beside Yeast's drawing and gently caressed it, LMO muttered,

"Those good for nothing stinking lazy trolls," ranted LMO. "They all left!

LEFT!! Could any of them have waited for us? NO!! They all had to leave!

Could they have left a beer for us? NO!!"

"This is such a buzz kill," muttered P*ssy.

The three of them searched in vain for the flour mark that would lead them out

of there. P*ssy ultimately began to hallucinate and every time she saw movement

in the the distance she'd yell, "Is that a hasher? How about that?" But alas,

it was only a dog, a bird or the sun setting in the horizon.

Finally they found trail again though 2AWA was highly reluctant to leave the

Yeast outline. Once they walked through the doors of the on - after bar, Circle

had already begun.

"LMO," said SnowJob with disappointment etched across his face. "I don't think

you won today. You weren't even close."

Yeast led Circle for the first time but only four minutes later, Pays 4Busch and

Free Busch dashed out. Then Eunuch kept looking at his watch and at one point

grabbed his shag bag and said to nobody, "I' should go. I've got to work on


Dick DeRailleur had to drink for suggesting that the hares didn't have enough

falses upon checks upon falses.

Tongue Hole drank for having private conversations with herself.

Hash announcements were uninformative, made up of TBA's. Then everyone headed

back to Hooter's for the on - on -after. Those that rode in Granny's Subaru

spa fell into a blissful trance so by the time Granny reached Hooter's he had to

poke them with a cattle prod to get them out of his car.

A few hashers went back inside Hooter's to dine on greasy chicken wings and

Lots' A Tots. Eunuch ate his wings by himself at the bar and SnowJob talked

about his two - car garage. Feeling hot, Tongue Hole tried to put her long

armpit hair into a bun, Keeps It Up tried to pay for everyone's food and beer

before they would notice and Fillip*nis hissed like a cat.

A good time was had by all.

Lay Me Over (with special contribution by Dick DeRailleur)

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